Settling the Score
by dracosgem
Summary: Hermione Granger, Gryffindor Princess and total bookworm at your service. Oh, and newly appointed President of the We Hate Ron Weasley Club! Membership only five knuts. Thus far I have one member, but that’s all about to change…


Hermione Granger: Gryffindor Princess and total bookworm at your service

_**A/N- Okay, so, while I realize that this is ridiculously OOC, I really couldn't give a hippogriff's left nut…it was just far too fun to jot down!!**_

_**That said, please enjoy this little one shot because Hermione is an absolute bad ass in this story!! Oh, and I wrote this quite a while ago. It was actually inspired by some major Ron bashing between me and another author…hehehe **_

_**WARNING**_

_**If you're a Ron Weasley fan I suggest you turn back now…WA HA HA!!**_

Hermione Granger, Gryffindor Princess and total bookworm at your service. Oh, and newly appointed President of the We Hate Ron Weasley Club!! Membership only five knuts. Thus far I have one member, but that's all about to change…

You see, I really liked Ron Weasley. Truly, I did…he was my sun, my moon, my starlit sky…alright, you get the picture. But then he had to go and mess it up by sleeping with that ridiculous slag, Lavender Brown. The mere thought makes me want to wretch…I can feel the bile rising threateningly in my throat!! Oh Merlin….

Ahh, now that I have effectively rid myself of my lunch, I am prepared to go on without interruption. Where was I, oh yes, cheating on me, the rat bastard. So, once I found him shagging that rotten excuse for a Gryffindor I decided to give him the boot. But don't for one minute think that he was getting off easy, oh hell no, that prat was going to pay. You see, he didn't exactly know that I knew so I planned to utilize my covert position and highly developed brain power to get back at him. I wasn't blessed with this enormously colossal brain for nothing.

You see, I was on my way down to breakfast one morning when I found myself entirely worked up. Not only did my boyfriend cheat on me but I ran into that insanely annoying ghost, Peeves, on my way down to the Great Hall. Needless to say I found myself locked in a broom cupboard until, thankfully, Blaise Zabini came along and let me out. Of course it didn't stop there, oh no, because that man whore of a Slytherin expected full payment for helping me out of my predicament. So I am forced to accompany him to Hogsmeade this weekend. I guess it can't be that bad, after all he is a handsome Slytherin man whore.

Alright, back on track. So I make my way down to breakfast, get chased by Peeves and land a date for the weekend, actually my morning wasn't turning out all _that_ bad. But I still had a traitorous red haired piece of dragon dun to deal with so I perk up and stride ferociously into the Great Hall only to see Ronald Weasley hopping around and flapping his arms like a chicken. Apparently the potion that I had slipped him before breakfast was taking its effect right on time…hehehe.

Oh, did I fail to mention that I slipped him a potion. Well, I did…don't fuck with Hermione Granger!! My plan is to watch merrily as he acts like a chicken…well, a hen to be exact. Wwwwaaahaaahaaa!! _You'll_ _see_….and then dump his disloyal ass in front of the entire school.

I stride forward and plop down on the end of the bench at the Gryffindor table. Ron is busy pecking and hopping and I smirk delightfully at his predicament. Harry is as red as a tomato from laughter as he watches Ron attempt to peck his cereal like a hen.

"Bock, bock, bock, bock, bocock!" Ron screams and flaps his "wings" furiously. The entire hall is staring at him and I snigger loudly as I watch him continue to walk in a squat manner like the chicken shite he is.

"Hermione, you've got to help him!" Harry said through his laughter.

"Oh no, Ron got himself into this and he can get himself out," I reply mysteriously. Harry looks at me curiously but I ignore him, still enthralled by Ron's state.

The Slytherins are all laughing their arses off and I notice Draco Malfoy pointing hysterically and then covering his eyes. _Ah, apparently the potion is taking a turn._

I turn back to see Ron pulling down his pants and squatting on the floor. He is still making chicken noises and everyone at the Gryffindor table is covering their eyes and laughing as he attempts to lay an egg. His face is turning quite red as he stresses to pop the egg out and finally I see him relax and a large egg rolls out from between his legs.

If people weren't laughing before, they certainly are now. All of the Ravenclaws are clutching their stomachs in laughter and even I can't hold back as Ron begins hopping and nuzzling the egg with his nose, completely oblivious to the fact that his pants are still down and his naked arse is sticking up in the air.

After a few more minutes of egg nuzzling, reality seems to set in and he straightens up and looks down at the egg in front of him. The potion had obviously worn off.

"What the bloody hell is going on?" he asks, his face growing redder by the second.

"Ron, pull up your pants!" Ginny hisses and Ron looks down at himself in total mortification.

"Wha- what the hell!!" he screams and yanks his trousers up quickly. The entire hall is still laughing hysterically and Ron is quite embarrassed. Of course, I take this as the opportune moment to approach the mortified little rodent. As I stroll up to him I pick up the rather large egg and toss it from one hand to the other. He looks up at me and smiles sheepishly.

"Uh, hi," he says dejectedly and I can feel my insides squirm uncomfortably. _Get a grip…cheating bastard, remember!!_

"So, Ron, looks like somebody slipped you a potion…but who on earth would do that?" I ask sarcastically.

He looks at me oddly and then it seems to dawn on him. "You- you gave me a drink this morning!! What the…Hermione, that was totally embarrassing!"

"Like finding you shagging Lavender bloody Brown in the library wasn't embarrassing!!" I growl loudly. Lavender gasps and I shoot her a contemptuous look.

Ron is slowly turning the deepest shade of crimson I have ever seen. He actually matches his hair. Seriously, his entire head is one color. It's kinda funny.

"Hermione, I…I don't know what to say," he states ruefully.

"You don't have to say anything Ronald…I'll say it for you," I reply dangerously, "**We****. ****Are****. ****Through**."

As the last word escapes my lips I stroll leisurely over to Lavender and she looks at me in alarm.

"I've heard you talking with Patil about all your beauty regimens and I thought you should know that I recently read an article about how wonderful egg yolk is for the skin," as I speak her eyes widen and before she can even move, I slam the large egg over her head.

She shrieks loudly and runs out of the hall completely covered in yolk. Remember, Ron's a lot bigger than your average chicken so she was pretty well covered from head to toe. Ron hastens after her and I smile giddily.

The entire hall is completely silent as I plop down in between Harry and Dean Thomas.

"I'm starving!! Vengeance takes a lot out of you!" I say with a sly grin and start piling my plate high with food.

Ginny and Harry are looking at me like I've lost it.

"Don't look at me like that, he deserves everything he gets!" I say firmly.

"Hermione, that was a little harsh," Ginny says trying not to snicker.

"Yes it was, but hilarious!" Harry says chuckling and Ginny shoots him a dirty look.

"I'm glad that you appreciate Phase One of my attack plan," I say quietly.

"Wait, did you just say Phase One?" Harry whispers his face suddenly serious.

"Why, yes I did Mr. Potter. You certainly are astute," I reply and pat him on the shoulder glibly.

"There's more?" he whispers, hoping Ginny won't hear. Ron _is_ her brother, after all.

"Don't worry your messy little head, Harry. I won't do anything that will hurt him…physically," I reply wickedly.

"Hermione…"

I raise a hand to stop him. "No Harry, he hurt me and now he needs to pay," I say firmly, "I won't do anything completely horrible but…please just don't interfere. This is between Ron and me."

Harry nods hesitantly and turns back to his food. Meanwhile, I notice Blaise Zabini eyeing me and I raise a brow in his direction. He motions for me to come over there and I wrinkle my nose doubtfully and tuck into my breakfast.

A good twenty minutes later, I notice that the manipulative Slytherin is still waving at me like a madman. With a roll of my eyes I get up and scamper over to the Slytherin table.

"What do you want Zabini?" I ask coolly.

I am vaguely aware of several Slytherin males ogling me, particularly Draco Malfoy, who seems completely astonished by the fact that I'm having a civil conversation with his house mate.

_Oooo, those grey eyes of his are eerily sexy. Wait!_ _What the hell did I just think!! Holy Shite!! This Ron thing is really taking a toll on me…_

"That was quite a Slytherin thing you did there, Granger," Blaise says casually, "I must say I am impressed."

"Gee, now I can going on living," I say sarcastically, "I've managed to impress the great Zabini."

Blaise smirks as I turn to leave. "Don't forget our date this weekend Granger," he says wickedly, "I promise to make it _extremely_ memorable."

He and Draco snigger quietly and I turn to face him once more. This conniving little snake was _not_ going to get in the last word.

"It takes a lot more than some silly rumor about your quote on quote sexual prowess to impress me," I say leaning forward.

I am acutely aware of the fact that my shirt is unbuttoned dangerously low and it is possible (I'm only saying _possible_) that I'm giving both boys a little glimpse of heaven. It appears to be working like a charm (hehe, charm, get it) because both of them are no longer looking at my face.

"Therefore you're really going to have put in a lot of effort Zabini. Oh, and by the way, my eyes are up here…boys," I say and look pointedly at Draco.

His eyes widen in surprise and he scowls at me as a smug smile appears on my face. I flip my hair flirtatiously and with one last smirk, worthy of the Slytherin Prince himself, turn and stroll towards the entrance, swaying my hips ever so slightly. I am vaguely aware of the holes being burnt into my backside by a couple of Slytherin hornballs and I relish my utterly manipulative nature with an inane amount of complacency.

Later that day I approach Transfiguration wearing a pin that says "Weasley Sucks!" and instantly swirls into an advertisement for the We Hate Ron Weasley Club, complete with audio. Of course I totally nicked the idea from Cedric Digory's "adoring fans" during the fourth year Tri-Wizard Tournament. But hey, it _was_ a good idea.

The Patil twins laugh as I pass them, the large button adorned to the front of my robes just under my Head Girl badge. Now I realize that this is a contradiction of sorts but I'm so flaming mad that I really don't give a flying hippogriff. In fact, I am so immersed in Phase Two of my revenge plan and too busy plotting against the red headed tool that I barley register the fact that a strong hand has gripped my arm and pulled me into a darkened corridor.

"What the fuck!" I yell and the person shushes me.

Looking up into those eerie grey eyes is like a death sentence.

_Why the hell is Draco Malfoy pulling me into a darkened corridor? And why did I just realize how yummy he smells? Damn, he looks really fit this year too…okay, stop it!! _

"Granger, you are being hostile," Draco says with a smirk.

"Do you ever not smirk?" I ask grouchily. Hey, it's an honest question! I mean, aren't you surprised the boy's face hasn't permanently stuck that way?

"That's beside the point, Granger," he states coolly.

"Yes, well, do get on with what the point is because I'm going to be late for class," I say irritably.

"Are you going to Hogsmeade with Blaise willingly, or is all this just part of your elaborate plan to get back at Weasley?" he asks silkily.

That damn voice of his is far too distracting.

"What do you care, Malfoy? The war is over and Blaise can date whoever the hell he wants to without your infamous approval, _including_ a mudblood like me," I retort menacingly.

"Granger, I couldn't give a dragon's left bullock for all that pureblood elitist nonsense, that was my father talking, not me," he states firmly, "Now answer my question."

"Actually, Blaise helped me out this morning. That idiot Peeves locked me in a broom cupboard and Blaise let me out," I reply, pointedly ignoring the intense gaze Malfoy is pinning me with.

"What does that have to do-"

"He guilt tripped me into going out with him, you dolt," I reply shaking my head, "although, now that you mention it, flaunting him in front of the Weasel would be a productive way of making use of this ridiculous date."

I smile deviously as Phase Three of my elaborate revenge agenda forms quickly in my exceptionally brilliant mind. I really am a genius.

"How about you forget all about Blaise and go with me instead," he says stepping forward. His eyes are gazing deeply into mine and I am suddenly finding it rather difficult to breath.

_Did it get insanely hot in this corridor or is it just me? Why the hell is Malfoy looking at me like that…um, oh hell no, is he going to try and kiss me? Oh my Merlin, I need to go!_

As Malfoy leans in my little pecker of a button suddenly goes off and the ridiculously loud advertisement for the We Hate Ron Weasley Club echoes through the silent corridor.

"_Do you hate Ron Weasley? Think he's a prat, a git, a total moron? Then you're not alone!! Join the We Hate Ron Weasley Club today and mingle with people just like you!!"_

"_Only five knuts will get you into the most exclusive club in the world!! Dart targets and voodoo dolls provided for an additional sickle!! Join today!!"_

Malfoy had stepped back, his wide eyes staring at the blaring button, an amused expression on his handsome face. Meanwhile, I am looking proudly down at my button as the charm I placed on it is apparently working like a…ok, ok, I won't go there with that pun again.

"The most exclusive club in the world? You are utterly insane, Granger," he says with a chuckle, "I don't think I'd ever want to get on your bad side."

I cock my head to the side and look at him like he's lost his mind. "When were you ever _not_ on my bad side?" I ask incredulously.

He blushes a little and then looks down at his feet. "Oh yeah," he says quietly, "um, well, I guess I should sort of apologize for being such a…"

"Unbelievable bastard, conniving snake, cunning ferret, ruthlessly evil prick-"

"Okay, okay, I get it!" he states dejectedly, "I'm sorry for it all Granger! You were never ugly, your blood doesn't matter a bit, and you're the smartest and most amazing witch ever, happy?"

"No, but it's a start," I say with a small smile, "Now, you have really made me late to class and I believe that's just another strike against you."

He feigns agony and clutches his heart as I turn and stride towards our Transfiguration class. Now, imagine everyone's surprise when I walk in and my little pecker of a button goes off again causing Ron to turn a vibrant violet color. Hehehe…

Draco slips in behind me…huh, I guess I'm referring to him as Draco now, and he takes a seat beside Blaise. I sit with Cho Chang who is attempting not to laugh. McGonagall, of course, does not find this funny in the slightest.

"Miss Granger, hand over the button," she says firmly.

"Certainly Professor," I say smiling in a sickeningly sweet fashion. Little does my former Head of House know, but I have charmed the button to do more than just an announcement. She shuts it in her drawer and begins her lecture.

"Today we will be discussing magical theory and its effects on…" I tune out the droning old bat and begin formulating my plan to execute Phase Three this weekend. Using Zabini is undoubtedly another fabulous way of getting back at that little shite.

Approximately five minutes into McGonagall's tirade, the drawer suddenly shoots out of her desk at high speed and crashes into the wall. McGonagall turns around and clutches her chest in shock. The button is glowing and abruptly a holographic advertisement appears out of nowhere, you know, sorta like in Star Wars…muggle thing. Anyway, it's me, Hermione, looking very sexy in my slightly shorter Hogwarts skirt and prim button down oxford, carrying a ruler like a naughty school teacher. The boys are all craning their necks to get a glimpse and I hear Dean Thomas let out a low wolf whistle.

"_Do you hate Ron Weasley? Think he's a git, a prat, a moron? Well then, I have just the club for you! Join the We Hate Ron Weasley Club today and enjoy a place where you can vent all your frustrations regarding a certain red headed tool!!"_

Several people are chuckling lightly behind me.

"_Membership is only five knuts!! We will hold weekly meetings in the Room of Requirement, refreshments provided! Voodoo dolls and dart targets available for an additional sickle. Remember, if you hate Ron Weasley, you're not alone!!"_

As the holograph dies the entire class erupts into laughter. Cho pats me on the shoulder proudly and I must say, even McGonagall is speechless. Ron is looking quite angry and I am really enjoying his misery. Harry, on the other hand, looks like he is about to explode from trying not to laugh. Ginny has given up and is in complete hysterics. I'd say my little plan is working fairly well.

After class, I had four students approach me and ask to join. Cho Chang, Terry Boot, Dean Thomas (who asked if I'd be carrying the ruler during the meetings…hmmm, sadomasochist anyone), and Blaise Zabini all joined up like hypnotized little sheep. I laughed merrily as each of them paid me five knuts and pinned on their new buttons proudly. This was working out better than I had expected.

By the end of the day, I had thirty more applicants. I was slowly making a fortune too, because several people had asked for the dart targets (all Slytherins of course). Even Pansy Parkinson wanted to join. She requested a voodoo doll. Hey, what Parkinson does on her own time is not my concern.

Presently, I am making my way to the library when a hand grips my arm and pulls me, once again, into a darkened corridor.

_What is UP with all these damn corridors…they need to invest in electricity for Merlin's sake!_

Once again I find myself looking into a pair of eerie grey eyes.

"What do you want now Malfoy?" I ask, pretending to be bored. Really, I'm anything but…in fact I feel strangely elated to be in his presence.

_What the hell is going on with me? Since when do I like being near Draco Malfoy? _

"_Since he started pulling you into darkened corridors and trying to kiss you," _a little voice replies.

_Yeah, well, maybe I'll stop letting him pull me into darkened corridors._

"_Please, if you didn't want him pulling you into darkened corridors you wouldn't be standing here right now! So stop fighting with me and pay attention to the tall, dreamy blonde!"_ it replies demandingly.

That damn voice is far too cunning.

I look up at Malfoy who is gazing down at me with a certain amount of admiration and, of course, that trademark smirk of his. Seriously, the boy needs to work on some new expressions…

"Fancy meeting you here, Granger," he says seductively and leans a little closer. Damn that gorgeous face of his!

"Fancy meeting me here? You just pulled me in here, you prat!" I reply, shaking my head at him in disbelief.

"Yes, well, I wanted to give you something," he says and leans against the wall next to me.

I look up at him expectantly but he just stares at me with this goofy look on his face.

"Well, are you going to give it to me or just stare at me all night?" I ask impatiently. Actually, I'm feeling a little apprehensive as well. I just noticed how undeniably attractive he looks as he's gazing down at me with those smoky eyes of his.

_Holy Shite! I am in need of commitment! Seriously, someone contact St. Mungo's immediately! Perhaps the spell damage wing would suffice…yeah…a mismanaged love potion! _

Draco extends his arm, opens his clenched fist, and slides his open hand towards me. I look down and notice that five knuts are resting lightly in his palm.

"Full payment for membership, I believe," he says, the amusement in his voice entirely evident and a wicked smile on his handsome face.

I feel a strange lurch in my stomach as I reach out to retrieve the knuts lying in his elegant hand. I should heed the forewarning sensation because, of course, this is all a sneaky Slytherin trick devised to take advantage of my vulnerable, unsuspecting state. Grasping my wrist tightly the crafty little bastard pulls me against him with considerable force and consumes my mouth with his own.

Now, keep in mind that this is completely out of the norm for someone like me. _I_ do not snog in darkened corridors, I bust the little gits that do it, but I find that I have a slight problem. You see, it takes me less than three point five seconds to realize that I have gotten myself into quite the predicament. Not because of the fact that Draco Malfoy is snogging me senseless, oh no, it couldn't be that fathomable. No, it's the incredibly horrendous idea that I'm actually enjoying it.

_Merlin's Miserably Moldy Socks!! The bloody bastard has me completely under his spell!! _(Alright, alright, I realize the puns are getting slightly old but they just come so naturally!! I am after all the most inventive human who has ever walked the earth).

I hear the knuts drop on the stone floor in five separate clinks and suddenly Malfoy's hands are winding in my curls. My hands are, surprisingly, quite reactive to my current state of enthusiasm and they are sliding roughly through his silky locks, disheveling his generally perfect coif. As if it couldn't get any worse, my heart is beating so rapidly that it feels as if it might burst out of my chest and my lungs are burning from lack of air.

As if reading my thoughts, Draco breaks away from my swollen lips and focuses his skillful tongue elsewhere, running it down my neck, thereby increasing the already winded breaths sweeping through my lungs. He pulls on my collar roughly, exposing my collar bone and nips at it affectionately. Just as I begin to really get into the whole scenario, you know, pressing against him hotly and allowing my hands to roam freely over his extremely Adonis-like form, I am rudely interrupted.

"What in bloody hell is this!" a familiarly annoying voice, belonging to the new bane of my existence, disrupts my mind melding snog with the Slytherin Sex God a/k/a former bane of my existence.

Draco and I stop kissing and turn our heads to see Ron Weasley and his little tart, Lavender, standing there with their mouths hanging open like identical goldfish. Where's a hook when you need one…

"What the hell do you want Weasel?" Draco asks arrogantly, a smug grin on his extremely adorable face. He tightens his grip on me possessively and quirks a brow at the red headed wanker.

"Hermione, you cannot be serious!" Ron ignores Draco completely and stares at me in angry disbelief.

"Run along, Ronald," I say irritably and sneer contemptuously at the Gryffindor whore, otherwise known as Hogwarts Biggest Gossip, as she looks ready to explode due to the ridiculous amount of information her poor feeble brain has been forced to process. No doubt she will shortly be spreading this little altercation around the school with fervor.

_I wonder if they could send me to Azkaban for using the Avada on a totally useless pile of nargle dung like Lavender Brown. I mean, really! I'd be doing the wizarding world a favor!! What good can she really bring to society??_

"How can you have the audacity to give me a hard time and then go and snog the King of the Ferrets? You are a complete and utter hypocrite, Hermione!" Ron shouted angrily.

"Don't attempt to use big words you don't understand, Weasel," I reply haughtily, "now run along, as you can see I am _busy_."

Ron's face once again begins to turn a violent shade of red and he immediately matches his hair. I'm suddenly reminded of the giant, red monster from the Bugs Bunny Cartoons…muggle thing…hehehe…

He storms away, dragging the slag along with him and I sigh heavily. After a few moments, I realize that I am still in Draco Malfoy's well developed arms and pressed tightly against his chiseled chest. I look up to see him gazing at me in total awe.

"What?" I ask tersely. Suddenly I'm feeling a little self conscious under his scrutinizing gaze.

"You're really amazing, you know that?" he says softly.

"Right, Malfoy," I reply sarcastically.

"I'm serious. That guy is a total moron for treating you like that," he replies firmly.

I find myself gazing at his silver and green tie and wondering why being this close to him feels so…_right_.

"Yeah, well, I guess he doesn't see it that way," I reply irritably and roll my eyes.

"That said, I think you definitely got your vengeance," Draco replies with a cheeky grin, "I don't think I've ever seen him angrier. Catching you in the arms of his greatest enemy was definitely a way to get back at the lousy git."

Draco had a made a good point, Phase Three of my evil plan had been successful without my intention! I had accomplished my task without even trying!! I look back up at him and a sly, maniacal grin spreads over my face.

Both Draco's eyebrows raise and he chuckles good-naturedly.

"You know, I think I could get used to you like this," he states playfully.

"Merlin, Draco, you'd think after years of my exceedingly clever retorts and unfathomably witty quips you could have figured out that manipulation is actually _my_ forte," I reply with a regal air and shove my nose upwards like any common pureblood.

Draco's eyes widen and he shakes his head. "Why the hell you're not a Slytherin, I'll never know," he says approvingly.

"Because, darling, I'm not sneaky about being a crafty swot. I have the infamous Gryffindor courage to put it right out in the open," I reply with a teasing wink and smirk at him roguishly.

"Now, where were we?" I say, my sensual undertone causing him to quiver slightly and I pull the little bugger into quite the lip lock. My hands are roaming freely over his hard chest and his hands are slowly making their way down to my bum. Normally, I would never allow such an atrocity to occur but, well, what the hell is normal anyway??

Well now, to all of you who listened to my continuous diatribe regarding that foul, loathsome, little git, Ronald Weasley, I thank you. It was extremely therapeutic and well worth the looks on all of your faces when Ron squatted so elegantly and laid an egg…bloody priceless!!

As for the Slytherin Prince and the Gryffindor Princess, well, let's just say that things got a lot more heated than either of us imagined…but I won't go into all that! You can read about it in the tabloids or, better yet, strain your ear to listen to Lavender's incessant babbling…

After all, nobody in this bloody school can resist gossiping about a member of the formerly indestructible Golden Trio.

What can I say? Draco and I have definitely given them something to gossip about…and I guess winning the hand of the sexiest Slytherin alive, as voted by Witch Weekly Magazine, _and _skillfully settling the score helped lessen the sting of catching my boyfriend with the Gryffindor whore.

Hmmm, I suppose there is a moral here after all:

Revenge is a dish best served in courses…hehehe…

This is Hermione Granger, vindictively beautiful and ultimately rectified Gryffindor Princess, signing off.

**I'll admit it was quite ruthless but, well, it was just a fun little blurb created to poke fun at the ginger haired doofus we all know and hate…**

**Alright, alright, I don't **_**really **_**hate him…much…**

**Please read and review!! Oh, and if you ARE a Ron Weasley fan and you DID read this and feel like flaming me…just remember, I had the courtesy to warn you first ; )**

**With the Sincerest Malfoy Devotion (snigger, snigger),**

**dracosgem **


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